Big sleep

Funny, today I woke up thinking of
Cubatão's anniversary. April the ninth. Maybe because of living in Santos, so close to that city. Living in Santos. It's now like I have lived here in Taurinos all my life. Santos seems something so distant right now. Mind you, I haven't lived here for so long I can consider that remote, but I do. I remember Meire and a handful of friends I left behind. Meire must be frightened at my disappearance, but since I haven't got mail from her, I can consider she's not so frightened when all's been said and done.

At the breakfast table, Renan seemed a bit calmer than yesterday (it was virtually impossible that he could feel as belligerent as yesterday, so it was more than natural to meet him like this). He had his eyes set on me at times, in total silence, as if he tried to decipher me. The same long face as yesterday when we all sat down to talk, but definitely more controlled than yesterday.

Today I also remembered out of the blue that from all the members of Taurinos' Ancient Society, the only one I haven't seen any longer is Bruno, the dissentient voice of the Society. The kid disappeared in the thin air. That, or he didn't mingle with the other kids unless it was out of force majeure, as when the bulls invaded and wrecked the whole town last month for instance.

"I was going to skin him. As you did to that bull at the ceremony", under the sun at the external yard, Renan was still sullen and upset with Anderson and Andrés and his last traces of irritation still brought catchphrases like that afloat.

"Ah, please don't remind me of those things", I asked him, "I wouldn't want to remember that for the world."

"Still haven't remembered what happened to you at the ceremony?", he insisted.

Now I wish I would. It would drive the kid away from the can of worms his mind is now. A weird subject substituted by another weird subject that, however, didn't have the same importance and emergency of this one. I was refusing to think. Of why he dreamed about being thrashed by the other two, but never dreamed the dream we had together, when he was just a shadow passing by. Of why the other two didn't have the same dream as mine, when it was them who were instructing me on everything around me and gave me the more than evident sensation they were having the same lucid dream with me five nights ago.

"Ms. Grisam, I'm talking to you", insisted Renan, pulling me by the sleeve.

"Nope. I remember nothing."

He looked discouraged. I did remember the ceremony, a huge exorcism ritual to drive a malignant force away from town, force that was as old as the universe. So huge that there'll always be remainders of it, small specks to plague our current lives. Seven bulls were put to death — in the harshest, most violent and terrible way — by me and six kids in town (including the one that was talking to me, his brother and the other two he claimed were beating him to a pulp while dreaming away). All was worthless. If we only knew that all we had to do was to hold one of the kids underwater for five minutes, all of that insane ritual — which I emerged back to life from only to find myself deaf and amnesic — could have been avoided. Sounds bizarre? Believe me, still not enough for this world of Taurinos.

"One Christmas for your thoughts", said Renan in a more humorous mood.

"I'm thinking of this bunch of weird dreams we have had these days."

He scowled slightly. Stopped looking me in the eye. I told him that the issue disturbed me too, but that we'd have to handle that eventually. We'd be better off if we started sooner than later.

"We could try and learn how to do this thingy of being awake in the dreams like you did with them…"

"But they just don't remember the dream they had. I don't even know if it worked out. As Andrés said, I might have had this dream alone (what I see now really happened, since none of the two remembered this dream), so it's no use to try to meet this way."

Again he looked discouraged. But he insisted we could try at the very least. I told him we could, and said I was going to call the other two, under the protest of Renan. He seemed like he still had a bunch of unsettled issues toward the two. I told the young Teixeira that if he really wanted to try the process, it would have to be with them together. The only ones linked to the dreaming issue besides me and him were the two of them. Therefore, they'd have to be in our plans anyhow.

"And they'll have to sleep over, eh? In my house, eh?"

"They'll have to sleep in your room. And talk to your parents first if you really want me to call them."

"All good, I'll talk to… Hey, in my room???"

"Yup, all of us will have to sleep at the same place."

By his little long face, I saw he was almost giving up the idea. I hoped he wouldn't. At first, the idea didn't find any echo in me, but later I remembered I said to myself I'd like to try it in more controlled conditions. And this was a good opportunity to do it.

The first one to say it was a trap was Anderson. In alphabetical order, Andrés said more or less the same with other words. Anderson was by far the most concerned. He claimed it could be an idea of Renan to assassinate him secretly in his sleep. I retorted it was my idea that everyone slept together and it obviously met steady resistance from Renan. Strange how my reply seemed to almost comfort him. Eventually I got the two to come for the sleepover.

My favorite nightmare | R.E.M.

Radio Universal: Shadowplay