Roll the bones

Renan appeared at home this morning. Didn't come on his palomino this time, he was brought by Donana and "sêo" Octávio by car. I insisted on their coming in, don't know if for fear of Renan being here alone with me or for showing a bit of the same hospitality they had had towards me in late March. Why fear of Renan, after all? I had been together with him for such a long time, we were together for the first meeting of Taurinos' Ancient Society. He and Guilherme were so nice to me in our very first meeting in late February, inspecting the calves on the farm Teixeira. Unlike Bruno or Andrés, for instance. Would I have let yesterday's stories about the Obscure Police make such a fearsome impression in me? Why would I get affected so much after all I had been through when I was in his home? I know that hadn't he appeared in the wood that day at dusk, when Lopes put that gun against my head — coming from God knows what forgotten region of hell — maybe I wouldn't be here anymore. If I only knew where I really am or if any day I really knew where I was. But I can't forget he was the one to attract me back to the farm Teixeira and make a lure out of me so he could track Lopes down and kill him with his dogs more easily.

Today, I can't blame it on Renan for that, as I can't blame it on Andrés for all that has happened. Not even having learned from Andrés himself he was going to let me rot on a hospital bed, since he had already gotten everything he wanted from me. He was created to fight for the survival of Taurinos. Renan was created to patrol the town limits. All of that came from me, Andrés, the Master Plan, without me knowing how nor why. It's not their fault they were created in this fashion. If there is anyone guilty in this story let it be me. Only I could be found guilty for everything that had happened since the beginning. But there is no guilt. As in a song of Canadian act Rush, all is very plain to see and understand.

Why are here? Because we're here. Why does it happen? Because it happens. Roll the bones.

Roll The Bones, written by Rush.

I woke up from my wonderings about the Holy Random Choice and showed them all around. Renan just followed us mechanically, frowning here and there without paying attention to the house, but didn't seem to take his eyes off me. As though he were distrustful. Almost as if he knew I had spent the day before talking about him with Adriano and master Danilo. It was very strange to have the boy on a normal day walking in the house with us after all I had heard about him the day before. It was actually no fear of him, but a feeling of strangeness for all I had learned about him. It was a bit like inviting someone for a breakfast you know turns into a werewolf on full moon nights.

I said I was going to make coffee and they turned it down, claiming to have already had breakfast at home. I did insist but there was no way of persuading them to stay. Renan sat down in an armchair in the corner of my living room. I realized he wouldn't follow his parents downtown. As I had suspected, his parents left and he stayed. Before leaving, "sêo" Octávio and Donana asked me not to give him breakfast. How weird of them. Weird things coming from all sides here when I should have gotten used to them all.

I told the boy to come with me to the kitchen. Maybe no one else wanted to eat, but I did, hadn't had breakfast yet. He moved his head my way, rose from his seat and went to the window that looked to the porch outside to make sure his parents had gone away downtown as they said they would. Only after doing it did Renan follow me to the kitchen. As if he were a maniac looking around to see if the coast is clear for his crimes. The very idea had me nervous, but I tried to act calm as if nothing special was going on. And what if nothing special was going on anyway?

Renan sat with me at the table. He was in absolute silence, like those periods of silence which get on my nerves mortally. He brought me in the eyes as if he had no eyes for anything else. I offered breakfast to him.

"Mom and Dad don't want me to have breakfast again", he said with a strange look and a half smile. I'm less than sure of what vexes me most in Renan, if his face of annoyed little cub or the strange smile of one that seems to look at you with X-ray eyes. He was dissecting me, this I could feel in my bones. And it got on my nerves, definitely got on my nerves.

"Why do you look so much at me, Renan?"

He looked away to the kitchen windows automatically. He was sitting there like a madman talking to me and avoiding looking at me at once.

"You're treating me different. I can feel it. Like a dog that smells fear in people, I can feel that in you very clear. You're different. The other day at the porch you looked frightened. The day before yesterday you were like the old Miss Grisam I met in the first reunion of the Society. Today you're different again. What's goin' on, Miss Grisam?"

He turned his eyes back on me and faced me serious.

"Is it the story of them men who were here after you?"

I didn't answer, for want of something reasonable to say. The water on the stove came to a boil. I stood up and got the skimmer and the coffee powder. When it was ready, I put the things on the table and forced Renan to accompany me in my first meal of the day that would be his second. I hate to eat and not to offer things even if I know people have already eaten their meal. Renan grabbed three cheesebread loaves and filled his mug half coffee half milk. I was looking at him while he spread butter on the loaves and he in his turn did it without looking at what he did, his eager eyes set on me, seemingly anxious for an answer, "you did talk to someone else about it, didn't you? Why don't you ask me about these things directly?"

"Can I really ask you about these things?"

"You know you can. I'm here to help you. You know it as well as I do, Miss Grisam", the tiny Mineiro country boy spoke while chewing a mouthful of cheesebread.

"First of all you'll have to promise me you won't get nervous or angry with me or anyone else. Promise?"

He hesitated and took a long while to answer. Swallowed the mouthful of bread, a sip of coffee and milk and finally promised he wouldn't be angry. He bit off one more piece of bread, chewed, and while he was still busy swallowing it the question hit him:

"What's the Obscure Police?"

Instantly he choked with the bread. I could nearly say I understood why his parents told me not to feed him. Turned his head violently to the left side and started spitting coffee and milk all over the kitchen floor. The floor was a real mess as a result. I stood up frightened and hit him in the back when he was already threatening to suffocate. He looked at me with wide-open, bloodshot eyes. He took a while to recover and start speaking, but when he did I wished he wouldn't.

"Who was the motherfucker who said it?", he growled.

"You promised, remember?"

"Who was the motherfucker who said it?", he shouted, in a crescendo of fury that wouldn't fit my house forever.

"I "saw" that in you some days ago…", I felt like an accomplished fool trying to lie to him, say something idiotic I knew wasn't going to convince him at all in the long run.

"Don't you fucking lie to me!!! Don't hide the motherfucker, I'm nobody's fool! You're fucking kidding me you "saw" any fucking thing in me! Obscure Police is the fucking mother of the motherfucker who said this shit!!!", he didn't speak from the heart, but I couldn't help but being appalled at hearing so many cusswords coming from the mouth of a single ten-year-old boy. Even that being Renan.

And he got down from the table all of a sudden with a strange smile that scared the hell out of me.

"It was Adriano, the speaking fucker, wasn't it? Tell me, Miss Grisam! Do tell me! I promise nothing is going to happen to you, I swear. But tell me if it was him and he is going to be fucked! No one calls me this name that is not going to get fucked later! Célio da Dica had to be operated on in Varginha after he joked with me. If it was Adriano, he is to be fucked!!! He is going to be fucked!"

"Now, if someone is to be fucked it'll be me. Don't go round doing that shit, no one has anything to do with this at all. If you are going to do any harm to someone do it to me; hit me, do what you like, but I'm the one to answer for that and no one else. And enough of this screaming and shouting here in my house. Whatever you think you have to do, do it to me, Renan!"

He walked up closer to me, too close for me to feel safe, but I somehow summoned up energy to keep playing the calm woman. He didn't raise his hand anyhow, but his sheer presence so close was threatening.

"So this is it? Is this what you want?"

"Yes, that's it."

"You'll take the blame for what you said to me?"

"I will."

"So it is. I guess it was him, but if you want to protect him, well, it's your tough shit. I won't do anything without evidence. I won't touch Adriano. You hide him, so it is going to be you who'll pick up the tab!"

He told me my troubles would start as soon as I tried to sleep a wink tonight. Recommended that I read a good book and spent the night up if I wanted to avoid problems. Serious problems.


Obscure Police | Leaden night

Radio Universal: Obscure Police