Technical ecstasy

Andrés and Adriano visit us on farm Teixeira. Guilherme is the one who entertains them, Renan has been on the Internet all day, totally busy with his lists of discussion and what not.

"Do you think it was on account of the ceremony?", asked Andrés.

"Because he opened a live bull before six witnesses, got inside him and started throwing all of his inner organs out and then his bones, and then skin, leather, horns and so forth? Is this what you're asking me about?"

"Yes, yes, yes, Ms. Grisam", I had managed to make him impatient (though you don't need to make large moves for that).

"See, from what was done down there, I think something will always stay. Not necessarily a trauma, because Renan is strongly resistant to violence, but something stays. The wish to continue, even if it has to be another way."

I asked if he knew both his father and Renan's told me the two had been fighting at school. Not that it was important at all, but the coincidence of the two reports took my attention.

"It was Renan and me fighting each other", confessed Andrés smiling.

"I knew it was too much of a coincidence", I said between two episodes of laughter.

"Renan can't get off the Internet because he is too busy organizing a championship", informed Guilherme, "he started with that idea a bit before the ceremony."

"What kind of championship?" Adriano got interested.

"Rings for all kinds of animal battles you can imagine."

"But it's forbidden in Brazil", Andrés found it strange. I told him so many things were forbidden in Brazil and it simply never stopped people from doing them just the same.

"And there's another thing: what can stop him from holding a championship and all is just giving food to animals? Feeding animals is not forbidden, and he could always maintain a secret place to do the other things and so forth."

"But he is going to ruin our reputation doing it" Adriano seemed startled.

"Adriano, when it comes to treating animals with respect Taurinos' name is up to its neck in shit. You know that. I never understood your concern about it anyhow."

The lad looked at me with eyes as big as saucers and said nothing else. Perhaps it was an argument that he missed, which he would only remember hours, maybe days later. I continued my theory:

"All the ceremony's requirement to impose the maximum of sufferance on the animals, in such a technical manner must have left something back with him. It's not possible that it didn't."

"The book has never recorded anyone feeling like that after a ceremony", argued Guilherme, "besides, remember I told you he started with this idea before the ceremony?"

"He might have started it before the ceremony, but it gave him the impulse he needed. The theory was all inside of him and he just put it into practice. The moment he put all that into practice and saw the others doing it too…"

"You included", said Adriano grinning with delight.

"Whatever", I said a bit upset by his remark, "the moment he did it, something from all of this madness must've stayed in him."

"As a hound, he must have been blooded by the ceremony, he must have sampled the blood and liked it. He must have seen there's no other life for him to live", said Guilherme.

"You've got it, lad. Wouldn't put it better myself."

"I had never thought so small a bottle could hold so much poison. It was a lethal dose. Did me so much harm, but I want it again. A single look of your eyes is enough."

Poison Drops, written and performed by Nei Lopes.

The kids were silent. Probably imagining what influence the ceremony had been on themselves. What meaning it might have had for them. Renan emerged from the internet and joined us, grinning with happiness. I proposed that we sat down at the porch and talk about what the ceremony meant to us.

"Adriano told me before the ceremony that the old Adriano that didn't like to mistreat animals would die the moment he set foot on the arena. Well, did he, Adriano?" I asked as soon as we took our seats.

The others turned their eyes to Andrés' elder brother. He was embarrassed at seeing the focus shift onto himself. He smiled an ashamed smile and said he didn't die.

"It was just an expression I brought up to force you to understand the importance of doing things exactly that way. And it did work out, no?"

"It worked miracles", said Renan rubbing my right arm, reverent.

"Renan…"

More than ever, I have to be patient with Renan. The moment is delicate. I need to take away this reverence of him for someone he thinks I am.

"I liked to have done that. I know it was for the town, but I did like what I did and the way I did. I'm not ashamed to say that."

"I needed that at that time", said Andrés, "the nervousness was discharged all on only one night on only one bull, all at once. It was good, but I wouldn't do it again…"

Renan looked at him and Adriano as though he didn't like what he heard. I told them the two handlers who impressed and disturbed me the most were Adriano and Renan. The latter smiled like an angel. A fallen angel, but an angel just the same. The former was impressed (and seemingly liked to hear that very much).

"Me? You being serious?", inquired Adriano, smiling proudly yet completely perplexed.

"Adriano, I remember few people as fierce as you. And see, I've been through things you just wouldn't believe. I was very, very disturbed and distressed with your handling. Renan's also got me all disturbed. He held a chill in my stomach for all the time of his handling, what had me thinking until the moment I got in the arena myself."

"Oh did I? Sheer paradise just to hear that."

"Master Danilo said you all were heartless and I just came to believe him after the ceremony."

"Did he say anything 'bout me?", Renan was quick to ask, anxious to hear the ancient handler's opinion on him.

"He said you were the sickest and bloodthirstiest of all the members in the class of 2009. He was admired to see so much poison stored in such a small bottle."

Renan's eyes shone in a lightning that reminded me of a camera flash when he heard this. I might be doing more harm than good to him saying it, but I don't want to omit anything again if I am to criticize them all for doing it. How can I point out omission in them omitting things myself?

Renan turned to the Conselheiro brothers, "here you are, said by a veteran as master Danilo. He knows. And you two are two assholes with this cheap talk of let's save the town. Fuck off the two of you!"

"Renan, please! Have you lost your mind?" Guilherme had been taken by surprise.

"Yes, I've said it all, Guilherme! Only you and I said we liked it. The two of them liked it too and now will repeat it was all for the town, that they didn't like to handle, didn't like this and that. Bullshit! I did it, I liked it. It's as simple as that. I won't hide behind the excuse of the town and The Big One or whatever. I made him suffer living hell and liked it like hell. I did it for the town, but I did it because I wanted to make him suffer too. I tasted blood and I loved it. That's all. Don't be false, brethren. We're no angels."

I did it just the same | Waiting to be woken

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