Three wise men

Well, what was once impossible was now inevitable. The Teixeiras came here to take Renan back home. It was a beautiful moment of reunion between "sêo" Octávio and his youngest son. It was easy to see that his father wouldn't stand long without that tiny little round thing. He hugged his father and mother and they were crying together. Thousands of begs for forgiveness. I was happy to see that at least that story ended fine even in the middle of this huge trouble created by the town and the police. Renan then came up to me and hugged me goodbye. Though we would always see each other (who'd leave Taurinos after all?) I felt that as a true goodbye. This brought up true sadness in me. A big one, that sees no way out. A tear rolled down my face, a tear I neither had the time nor wanted to hold back. They most probably saw it as a touching reflection of their reunion.

When they were all gone, I thought that if Renan hadn't been taken back by his family he wouldn't have a place to live during this dissension of the Celestial Gardener. I wouldn't be able to shelter him in the process what would incur losing my house (and he wouldn't have a place to live anyhow). Moving in to the farm Taurinos would be the only thing left for him. And he is not necessarily someone the Conselheiros would love to host.

But a deep emotion kept hitting me in the sides of my brain, stubbornly, giving no signs it would cease. For a month or so, I experienced, even remotely, the sensation of having a child. In all of his facets, from the most bizarre to the most prosaic that each and every mother feels. Paulo and I could never have children. Not for his fault. The issue had always been in me, and his frustration he felt when he learned I couldn't give him a child were evident. Now I guess it might have been the reason why our marriage ended as a soap bubble that finds an obstacle on its way.

The thought only added to my sadness. I only saw Renan's little bear cub face in front of me, that mischievous smile so playful on his face, things we lived through while he was living here. "I'm only missing him", I thought, trying to drive away the shady thoughts I had. I didn't manage to and started crying, in a sadness I hadn't felt for long. My eyes got swollen and full of tears overflowing everywhere. I just couldn't bring myself to a calmer frame of mind. Took hours too.

When I had already gained a bit more of control over myself, heard the sound of horses outside, gallop turning to a trot until they finally stopped in my lot. I didn't wait until they came knocking on my door, "whoever it is I'll send away", I thought. I wouldn't be good company to anyone anyhow. But I was not prepared for the surprise of opening the door and find out it was Arthur, Bruno and Guilherme, all of them in their Sunday best, each one with a present in his hand. They found the house was weird so dark it was inside. From the three, only Bruno said nothing. He just looked, seeming to be in search of the big picture.

"Won't you invite us in? Will there be no party?", Arthur talked softly, trying to spy behind me into the interior of the house with subtle movements of his neck; the tone of voice was so different from yesterday's.

"Party? What party?", I could hardly remember what day it was.

"Don't you remember, Miss Grisam? Today is your birthday!", announced Guilherme brightly as a manager announces a pay raise to workers, "we saw that two days ago on your Facebook birthday update that shows on our profiles too."

My God. I didn't even remember it was my birthday. Weren't it for Facebook, it would have come unnoticed. I remembered I'd be turning 52 today. What a wonderful gift for my fifty odd years.

"Miss Grisam, won't you invite us in?", Arthur tried again. Bruno only looked, not uttering a word.

"No", I replied and they were glancing at each other perplexed, the presents in their hands, not knowing what to do.

"But just why not?", asked me a perplexed Arthur.

"Look it's nothing about you, I'm simply not feeling nice today. Renan has just gone back home and I want to be alone today."

"You know you cannot help Renan now, Miss Grisam. I said it to you yesterday. It's not your fault, but he really had to leave. Not even Andrés can come in, you can't give him even a glass of water, not even talk to them. I'm sorry you have attached so much to Renan", Arthur declared in a slightly upset tone of voice.

"You're not so sorry as I am, you can be dead sure. Now I'll ask you to excuse me… I'm terrible company for the day."

They glanced at each other again, even more confused, tired of holding the presents.

"Miss Grisam, we only wanted you to see the presents we brought to you for your birthday", Guilherme was astonished, all but frightened, "please accept them as you don't want to insult us kids will you?"

"I accept your presents", I declared and grabbed the gifts from the Three Wise Men, "I'll keep them and will open them when all this dissension is over."

"There is something about one of the gifts…", Arthur attempted to talk in a hurry; he still tried to look nice but it was all too late.

"I want you to leave me alone, please. Don' want to see anyone else today. I'm trying to be polite. You have never been here anyhow. Never deigned t give me the pleasure of your visit. Today is not going to be the day", I started to get annoyed as hell with that insistence.

"Leave her, Arthur, she wants to be alone", said Guilherme at the top of his disappointment, "sorry if we have come in such an awkward time, Miss Grisam. We never meant to bother you."

Bruno was already mounting his horse and heading for the dirt road. He went as he came, silent. Seemed he had sacrificed heart and guts to come here today. The other two turned around to go and I didn't even wait for them to mount their horses to close my door. Threw the shit they brought me around and sat down on the sofa, desolated. I can't afford a minute of peace. Renan is gone. My house is about to fall. Today is my birthday.

Duílio appeared at the end of the afternoon to tell me I needed to go to the farm Taurinos with him to see something that happened thee or whatever and I sent him back there alone.

Silent night, except for the distant sound of a party that adds to the night sounds of crickets and the eternal frog percussion ensemble. And someone knocking on my door. It seemed I wouldn't have peace even at night.

It was Adriano telling me I had to go to the farm Taurinos to see about his laptop that was acting up. I asked him if the thought of bringing the laptop to my house had ever crossed his mind. He smiled embarrassed and I told him I was not leaving. Then he had to give it all away, "well, it is a party we're throwing for your birthday, it was supposed to be a surprise but you didn't come over with Dad, you don't want to go now so I have to tell you, you know. Well, shall we go now?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Adriano. I don't want to see anyone today. I don't know what the Society is doing all united in a moment like this and the way things are. What I know is that today I want to stay by myself"

"So you're taking it all personally, that's just not about it…", he seemed nervous and confused.

"Personally? Isn't that your house, surrounded by the same plants that can turn into trees that will ruin its foundations in case they should thrive? Isn't all of your life and your ancestry's there within those walls? Isn't this a personal issue? What is this all about, Adriano? Even if your find it normal that your family and Renan's are getting punished, what about me? What do I have to do with this fucking mess?"

"Sometimes people have nothing to do with it, but if they are at the wrong place at the wrong time…"

"Bullshit! I didn't even know where they were leading me to!"

I started to cry. Let myself fall on the sofa. In other times, the fact that I had my house watched or even besieged wouldn't cause me to feel like today. I'm angry at everyone. At Renan and Andrés for putting me in such trouble, at the Teixeiras for taking Renan away. At the other boys, acting like implacable punishers. All annoyed me as hell. All there annoyed me as hell, circumstances, manners, opinions, expertise. Adriano stared perplexed at me, not knowing what to do next.

"Adriano, please do go home. Do tell the town I want to stay by myself today and only for today."

"But Miss Grisam, for Mithra's sake, how in the creation are we supposed to celebrate someone's birthday without the person being present?", he seemed desperate.

So it was over. No one else came knocking on my door. On the other hand, I couldn't sleep a wink. The murmur from the farm Taurinos took hours to die away in the distance. I thought of the festive disposition Brazilians have even in the absence of the person on their birthday and let a shadow of a smile play for a fleeting moment on my lips. I couldn't talk to Andrés nor Renan. Didn't want to talk to the other lads. What would I do at the party in the end? I knew the day after would reserve no festive disposition from the community around after this insult my absence represented to many of them. I went through hell, all day long sending away people who came by to wish me a happy birthday. I guess mine was as unhappy as Renan's last.